Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
pray to the hookup gods
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
