I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
