I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
