I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
