Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
