u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
