Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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