So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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