nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
