i think my mom watched the whole time
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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