so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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