i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
