I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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