Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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