Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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