She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
