we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
