my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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