I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
