The best revenge is premature balding
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
