Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
