Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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