You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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