Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
