May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
