i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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