Will you blow on my dice?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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