There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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