not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
