i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
