This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
