I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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