it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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