I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
