This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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