My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
