I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
