possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
