3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
