but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
