Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
