Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
