I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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