why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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