Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
