So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
