i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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