my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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