speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
