Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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