I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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