well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
