I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
