she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
