I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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