Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i think i have herpe
just one?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
