can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
