We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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