Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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