Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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