I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
